Well, being in a foriegn country where you don´t know anyone well is really lonely. Shocking, huh?
I reached a bit of a low last night when I started crying while sitting alone on a bench by the river. I´d taken my book (Goldbug Variations) there to escape the annoying backpackers at my hostel and as I leaned awkwardly into the pool of light cast by a nearby street light, I was struck by my complete aloneness. If it sounds melodramatic, that´s because it was. Seriously, my emotions are way closer to the surface then usual and they seem to be adopting an annoying habbit of announcing themselves in a smi-public manner. After a successful interaction ending in a cup of coffee, groceries or a cell phone I am ecstatic. On the other hand, when people treat me like a crazy incomprehensible foriegner (this means you, lady at the ice cream place) it´s hard to keep the tears down.
Luckily, all of this has me thinking about neuroscience. What is going on in my brain? What neural-chemical form does all this interaction between my environment and my brain cells take? I´ve also fallen back on music as mood-regulating device and then I really wonder how that works. So these sounds go into my ear (cochlea, bla bla, I don´t remember) and then suddenly I feel way happier and much readier to take on the world?
In other news, I went to my little town and I really like it. It´s way less overwhelming then San Sebastian and, omg, most of the signs were in Basque. I totally heard people speaking it, too. Now, if the school there would just call me back then maybe I could start figuring out what I´m doing.
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hey grrrl. so your titles are in spanish, but blogger shows up in german for me, so it says "hinterlassen Sie Ihren Kommentar."
so i will.
i totes understand the lonely thing. COMPLETELY. i'm alone in my little german town, the only native english speaker, with the internet as my only friend. i don't know if it's going to get easier, but i have gotten used to it. you are not alone in your alone-ness!!
In fact - everything shows up in Spanish for me (despite being in California where English is the official language, where we are government-bound not to translate anything despite often going to specifically Hispanic-targeted events).
That said.
I remember being in a train station in London on Christmas Eve, staring at all the people wandering by with family and friends and wondering why on earth I had done that to myself, tears dripping into my already sodium-laden Burger King. People who are not lonely see a lot less I think. I remember that week in London SO clearly - colors, faces, sounds, words. Also, I made friends like everywhere I went because even though I am a social nimwit, lonely people know how to find other lonely people. You get a lot of people's stories that way.
So all that talking about myself is meant to say "hang in there, kid," in a very roguish Humphrey Bogart kind of way. We are pulling for you at home. If you don't do something hard after college, you are wasting your youth not growing.
P.S. What is your address? I wrote you a letter last week and didn't know how to send it. I will ask you on e-mail too.
I'm with you. Your city can be pretty lonely without you in it. But at least the majority of the people here speak my language. I hope things get better for you quickly and your emotions retreat further down from the surface of your skin (except for the happy, elated ones). And they will. It's only time.
In other news, I'm moving back in with your mother temporarily.
the thing about lows is, there's only one way to go. once you've experienced the low, then every other little thing seems amazingly fortuitous by comparison. hence the excitement of the cell phone etc.! which, i guess, is exciting in itself. do i need a calling card? or how does it work? teach me about this cross-atlantic communication thing.
p.s. sometimes being lonely (as terrifying as it can be) can really show you just how strong you are (which is very!) and possessing that knowledge is of course a very satisfying and replenishing feeling.
and, to echo the above comments, this too shall pass. you are capable! xoxo
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